


What you give, you receive it

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Murder, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Hikaru had surrendered to his own loneliness.He had surrendered to that feeling of emptiness devouring him day after day, and to the fact that going to sleep at night without actually wanting to was a dream that was never coming true, not if he had kept wallowing in self-pity.





	What you give, you receive it

“Hikaru?”

Yuya was in bed, covered only by the sheets, lying on his side, his arm bent under his head.

Hikaru stared at him.

“What is it, Yuuyan?” he asked, taking another hit off the cigarette and smiling to him.

“Nothing.” the other replied, stretching out and chuckling. “I just wanted to say your name.”

Yaotome shook his head, then he went back looking out the window.

He felt strangely good, he had for some time now.

He really liked Yuya. He liked the thought of coming back home and not being alone, he liked having someone with whom he could share everything he did, he liked going to sleep every night next to him, and like that wake up in the morning.

It was a new routing, and it was pleasant.

He didn’t wait to finish the cigarette and crushed it in the ashtray, then he joined him in bed.

The elder got closer, snuggling up against him, hiding his face in the crook of his neck and breathing in deeply.

Hikaru wrapped his arms around him, bringing a hand through his hair and caressing him distractedly, looking thoughtful, while he tried to chase away from his mind images he didn’t want to see, focusing on that embrace only.

There were still too many things he had to get used to, in that relationship and in his life, and some he was sure were never going to become easy for him.

Yuya.

Since they had first met, Hikaru had seen in him an interest going beyond friendship, and he had always known how he felt. He had always been clear with him on the matter, he had never let him believe that there was going to be something more between them, which made the situation they were in now even more unreal.

Hikaru had surrendered to his own loneliness.

He had surrendered to that feeling of emptiness devouring him day after day, and to the fact that going to sleep at night without actually wanting to was a dream that was never coming true, not if he had kept wallowing in self-pity.

Now, with Takaki next to him, he could finally go to bed and not feel the need to fall asleep just to kill those thoughts persecuting him during the day.

Now his demons, made stronger by the latest events, presented themselves more willingly at night, in the form of nightmares, and more than once Hikaru had woken up sweaty and with his heart beating too fast, forced to seek shelter against the elder’s body, forced to let himself be hugged before feeling safe again.

He knew the cause, he didn’t know the cure.

He raised Yuya’s face, kissing his lips, almost tender, wishing he could make this last eternally.

His heart was healthier whenever he was with him, and it was something he liked.

He held him even tighter, feeling the strong need to cry, and hiding his face in the elder’s hair so that he wouldn’t notice.

“Hikka...” Yuya murmured, caressing his back. “I love you.” he confessed, and Hikaru felt that his eyes were starting to give in to, and he felt his tears wetting his chest.

It saddened him to see him cry, but he couldn’t soothe him.

“I love you too, Yuuyan.” he replied, calm.

He loved him.

He really did.

 

~

 

Yuya knew that he had done the right thing, he had always known.

How long had he settled for looking Hikaru from afar?

How long had he seen him suffer, and had made that suffering his own?

He had been known him for years, and for years Yuya had watched him look at Yabu the same way.

He had tried to make peace with that, keeping secret that love waiting for it to disappear, but it had never happened.

He had started hating Yabu, then, who had no fault in all of that, but who was the only one Yuya could actually get mad at.

He had tried talking to Hikaru, he had tried to make the younger see him, he had tried to make him understand that he could’ve been happy with him, that he was never going to have a door slammed in his face again, that with him he could’ve forgotten about Kota.

He had failed, miserably, and his hatred for Yabu had grown stronger, and in the end it had flooded into something he would've never expected.

The memory of Hikaru’s tears at Kota’s funeral was the worst thing he had.

And he had felt guilty, way more for those tears than for having taken a life.

He had felt guilty while offering him his shoulder to cry on, he had felt guilty for every forced smile on his face, meant to reassure him, he had felt guilty when he had seen a change of attitude toward him.

Devoured by guilt the first time he had kissed him and they had had sex, and every time they fell asleep in the same bed, and he dreamt one day of being able to go to sleep without actually wanting to.

Now he had Hikaru next to him, and he knew he wasn’t lying when he said he loved him, that he had tried and that he was making it, but at what price?

He had taken everything away from him, and being a surrogate of the love the younger had felt for Yabu wasn’t enough of a reward for all the tears he had had to spill.

Now Hikaru was hugging him, close, as if he didn’t want to let him go.

And they cried together, and Yuya kept repeating to himself that his tears weren’t deserved, that he wasn’t going to turn back time even if he could’ve, but that he didn’t want to keep living like that, hiding between those arms that wouldn’t even have thought of holding him, and that now were forced to.

He couldn’t leave him and he couldn’t be with him, not like this.

Yuya was paying for his decisions, though in the end, the one paying the higher price was Hikaru.

He couldn’t say he truly loved him. Not when those tears were only his fault.

 

~

 

Hikaru had understood that straight away.

He had seen it in his eyes, from a feeling that had found confirmation in the way he had acted then.

Yuya had taken the man he loved away from him, and still he had managed to make him love him anyway.

Hikaru didn’t know how he felt toward him; he knew that when Yabu had died he had felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest, and that the same person who had caused that wound had then healed it.

Yuya was sleeping now, and he looked so peaceful that he felt almost sorry he had to think about what he had done, because he couldn’t forget, because he couldn’t keep living with those nightmares, because it wasn’t life.

He brushed his hands on his throat, in a sweet caress that soon turned into a mortal hold.

Hikaru cried.

He cried seeing him wake up and get agitated, and tried to push him away, and then give in to death.

He cried all the tears he head seeing yet another man he loved die.

He got up, covering him up with the sheets and kissing his forehead, as if he was just sleeping.

He looked at him one last time and then he left the room, leaving behind Yuya and what he had done.

Then he went to the living room and collapsed on the couch.

Hikaru wanted to sleep again.

He didn’t want to wake up anymore.


End file.
